A Story Renamed
Love Letter #13: Platonic soulmates and tender storytelling. Plus: modern disco and more things I consumed last month.
A Love Letter To is my monthly series where I organize the chaos of what I’m loving and fixationg on in the past month.
In an article published in Vogue last year, Alexa Chung shared one of her 40 pearls of wisdom: “Your friends will be one of the great romances of your life.”
Among the 39 other snippets she shared, this one seemed to resonate and be quoted the most, which didn’t surprise me one bit. In a time when modern dating is failing many people and loneliness is at an all time high, perhaps many of us want to re-define who the true “loves of our lives” really are.
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In an excerpt of her book, A Life of One’s Own, Joanna Briggs echoes a similar sentiment about female friendships specifically:
“At the end of our walk, we picked softly burred seeds out of each other’s hair as we said goodbye. If that sounds romantic, then I barely repent – without my friends, I would be hollow, hardly worth knowing.”
This last line got me. Because, yes — the true vulnerability we give to our friends is the permission to be known. And often, we attribute it to our romantic relationships; our lovers, our lifetime partners. But when these romantic loves come and go out of our lives, like they often do, the withdrawal of it convinces us we have no purpose, no meaning.
But our friends hold this meaning for us, despite our pain, our temporary loss of ourselves. They will be there; ready to add context to our stories. Ready to take in and recount the remnants, over a glass of sparkling wine or half-melted ice cream.
In the same way I’ll never forget my first kiss, my firs love or the moment I knew who I will marry, I’ll also never forget the times my friends held me during romantic heartbreak.
During my junior year of high school, I walked home, eyes full of tears after my second serious boyfriend at the time dumped me. One of my closest friends texted me, somehow knowing what had happened (he always had a way of knowing) and asked if I wanted to come over and eat ice cream on his bed while he studied for his French exam. A simple gesture, to be allowed to sit, unload and cry, while a friend is present.
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In an episode of Sex And The City, Charlotte York says one of my favorite quotes from the show: “Don’t laugh at me, but maybe we could be each other’s soulmates.” This statement is a perfect illustration of spreading your love in other places that aren’t just romantic — made even more meaningful coming from someone who’s priorities always seem to focus on getting married (Don’t you love when a character surprises you?)
This scene also reflects the bond the four women have through their stories and how sharing their experiences made their connections deeper. After all, the the true, great romance of the show isn’t between Carrie and the men in her life but the friendship of these women.
Speaking of which, another pivotal scene that stays with me from the show is when Miranda and Carrie have one of their big fights. In response to the possibility that Carrie may get back with her toxic flame, Big, Miranda cuts back: “Well if you do, I don’t want to hear about it. I mean it, no calls, no crying.”
Given what we know about these women as characters, this felt like the biggest wake-up call for Miranda to give Carrie. A witholding of her attention; a cessation of her patience. In other words, Miranda stops giving Carrie a chance to transcribe herself to her, whether it be good or bad. You can see Carrie’s shock as it strikes a nerve. And how could it not? The ability to recall stories to each other is their main type of love language, and the removal of that would surely lead to the dissolution of their friendship altogether.
And that’s because a true friendship is often sustained and fueld by the stories we tell each other. Like crumpled notes being passed in class, the desire to share information is a way to rename our stories, re-contextualize them and give them new meaning through the eyes of others. It’s a way for a story to be transferred, legendes to be created, folklores to be scripted.
I think in response to the conflict of Carrie and Miranda, my father would give the usual friendship advice he always gave: “Without communication, there is no relationship.”
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Last year, I read a lot of books about love. The stories ranged from smutty fantasy, shameless passion and obsessive relationships. And I loved them all! But when I sat down to write this installment around love, the book that came to mind was one about friendship; A Story of A New Name — Elena Ferrante’s second book of the Neopalitan novels (I know you saw this coming).
And while I’m only two books in, one of the main themes is apparent: friendship and identity. Or: how the people we love (and sometimes resent) influence us, how a community molds us (for better or for worse) and how we struggle to break or feed into that mold.
And how through it all, Lila and Elena hold each other’s stories and give context to each other. So much so that when their lives start to stretch, evolve and grow; the environment, people and atmospheres around them change and contort; they still return to each other, over and over:
“She was explaining to me that I had won nothing, that in the world there is nothing to win, that her life was full of varied and foolish adventures as much as mine, and that time simply slipped away without any meaning, and it was good just to see each other every so often to hear the mad sound of the brain of one echo in the mad sound of the brain of the other.”
Many of us know this feeling. To be able to speak to someone that in simple terms, “just gets it.” A person that can hold the chaos of your mind without flinching. Even if it’s brief, even if it’s fleeting. This is how Ferrante taps into how powerful a platonic friendship can be and what an intimate part of life it is.
Because in the end, without the tenderness of friendship, there would be no romances to recount. No heartbreaks to archive. No love stories to mythologize.
Along with that, both Ferrante and the writers of SATC are unafraid to unveil the uglier sides of friendship. Harsh, but true — the ways in which we are able to hurt each other. The parts of platonic love that often tear us apart, drown us in jealousy and yes — cause us heartbreak. And this ability to be heartbroken by our friends, is enough proof that we can’t just call it platonic love but also, another form of romantic love. Because the potential loss of it is just as great.
Listening:
This instrumental piece, “Folklore” by a new artist named Ella Noir has been on repeat ever since I discovered it. It feels like a perfect song for daydreaming, writing and creating.
The track, Hello Chic by Mela Femmina is soooo sexy and was literally my galentines day anthem to myself. It even moved me to start a modern disco playlist on spotify called: IT’S SO GOOD.
“Bury Me Beneath the Willow” and “Bluebird Wine” by Emmylou Harris have both been songs that continuing to fuel my recent love for country ballads recently. P.S. highly reccomend this version of the first song featuring Dolly Parton and Linda Ronstadt (To me, this trio was the original Boygenius).
Linda Ronstadt and Emmylou Harris “Songs of Leonard Cohen” is a must-listen during the month of love or whenever you need to be reminded of what a true love song is. I mean come onnnnn. After the most recent listen I became fixated with his song “So Long, Marianne”
Reccomending:
If you haven’t already, you must take a moment to sink intoRaquel’s 1-Year Anthology Issue for Solitary Daughter. The issue features a number of different writers’ words (including my own!) around the theme of love.
Ezra Klein’s podcast episode on burnout and The Atlantic’s on “how to rest” hit especially hard for me this month. Interesting how the topic of exshaustion isn’t new in any sense — but constanltly retold and investigated desperately.
This couple on YouTube that streams the smoothest, cleanest jazz house music while they go about their lavish lives is my new favorite background music.
This bonkers story about how The Cut’s financial editor got scammed out of $50,000. Do you think you’d fall for it?
Saving:
My Instagram saves have been filled with frills and whimsy lately — ranging from wedding dress inspiration to tablescapes overflowing with florals. But it’s the random oddities that pop up and give me the most inspiration. I would dare to say that my feed feels the most inspired it’s been in a while!
Specifically, this post that popped up from soft electronics really took me back to my time growing up in Eastern Europe. The response in the comments to this whimsical coffee pot are predictable but true: When did electronics stop being so cute?! And it made me wonder about how so many mundane things in our lives hold onto our memories.
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As always, thanks for reading and being here!
Yours, Arbela. 💌
thank you for the solitary love! also wow soft electronics is such a favourite ❤️
thank you for sharing - loved this so much!!!